God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I could fuck to npr.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
