When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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