i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
