chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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