my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
