Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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