I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
