last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
are you so shy because you have an std?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
