get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
