she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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