Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
