i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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