I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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