Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
