The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
