Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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