I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
