I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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