i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
