Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
