i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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