Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
