i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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