Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
