I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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