she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
one might say we're banned from that church
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
