Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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