Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You pole danced in your parka.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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