apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
