Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
