i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
ttyl tear gas
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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