Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
