You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
