i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
