by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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