A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
