Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
