im drinking this country out of the recession.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
