I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
