please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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