Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
