you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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