I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
