He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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