Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
