so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
