Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
