u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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