I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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