dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
